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Compass M o ne y FINANCIAL EUPHEMISMS Being able to laugh at yourself is a sign of an optimistic personality and improves your mood. So take a moment from the serious nature of money and enjoy our unconventional dictionary of common financial terms. T E X T BY SA N DY L I N D S E Y ACCOUNTANT: A professional who can tell you exactly what you are worth and then immediately deducts from that amount by telling you what you now owe him. BANK: A place that lends you money after you fill out copious forms and painstakingly proving that you don’t really need it. BUDGET: 1.) Living within your earnings not your yearnings. 2.) A method of going broke methodically. BULL MARKET: A random movement in the stock market that causes an investor to believe that he’s a financial genius. CREDIT: 1.) Negative money that is spent like actual money. 2) Buy now, pay through the roof later. CREDIT CARD: Plastic apparatus allowing you to buy things you cannot afford, so the economy can continue to run on the lack of money. DEBT: A mysterious type of money that multiplies automatically. ECONOMICS: The only field in which two people can get a Nobel Prize for saying exactly the opposite thing. ECONOMIST: 1.) A person who knows more about money than the people who have lots of it. 2) See also “Fortune Teller.” INFLATION: 1.) Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 2) Paying $15 for a $10 haircut that used to cost $5 when you had hair. FORTUNE TELLER: See “Economist.” 42